EDITED: Hurricane Preparations Are No Joke

Especially when lawn ornamentation is involved.

Yesterday, my best friend since at least 2004, and I had a long conversation via text message. We talked about all kinds of things. Naturally, the hurricane came up since we live right in Sandy's line of fire. And while flashlights, non-perishables, bottled water, and a fully-charged cell phone are all important, my friend Alexa's priorities were elsewhere:

Me: That's the other thing that's worrying me.

Alexa: The storm?

Me: Yeah

Alexa: I have to bring my gnomes in =(

Me: Lol

Alexa: They're like my cats.

Me: Except they're in animate objects

Alexa: That's what you think

Alexa: My gnomes love me, I'm their mama gnome.

Alexa: My gnome that releases the butterfly is missing

Me: Well I'm sure that was a coveted piece of lawn decor on Valentine Ave.

Alexa: It was in the flower box

Me: Oh good.

Alexa: It's not good. I can't find him

Me: Oh I thought you found him.

Alexa: No, but I did notice an animal defiled my jack-o-lantern. Her eyes and mouth are now one =(

Alexa: She was legitimately raped =(

Alexa: Squirrels are evil. They are probably the ones who ran off with Butters. (Butters is my missing gnome. I named him Butters because he releases butterflies.)

Alexa: You are ignoring me in my time of need.

Alexa: I feel suicidal.

Alexa: Why is God punishing me this way?

Alexa: I'm so empty without Butters.

Me: Chill, I was taking a shower.

Alexa: You could've warned me. I'm on edge.

Me: Sorry, it was an impulsive hygiene urge.

Alexa: Ben said ew.

Me: I needed a shower!

Alexa: I needed someone in my time of need. I was there when Jasper died.

Me: Jasper was also a living animal...

Alexa: Butters and my pumpkin were living in my heart.

Me: I'm very sorry for your loss.

Alexa: Thank you.

Me: You're welcome.

Me: Is there anything  I can do?

Alexa: Unless you can bring my pumpkin back to its former state and return Butters, idt there's anything that can be done.

Me: I'm sorry. =/

Alexa: I'm sad.

Me: Don't be sad. Look on the bright side: at least you're not that girl whose water broke during pool.

Alexa: Yeah.

Me: Maybe Butters will turn up?

Alexa: Yeah but what about my pumpkin?

Me: Without eyes it doesn't have to see the storm!

Alexa: It has one eye.

Me: Well it can't see how deep the storm is.

Alexa: Why?

Me: You have no depth perception with one eye.

Alexa: It's just a pumpkin. It can't see anything anyway.

Me:...there's no emoticon for what you make me feel