Mamma's Monday: The Zombie Apocalypse

Hello all my Little Dee's,

I am finally out of my cast.  It took a long time, but I am back on my feet doing what I do best, annoying the crap out of everyone!!

Now that my foot has healed, I began packing.  Not for a trip to visit relatives or go play bingo, but a trip to survive the Zombie Apocalypse.  That's right, I am getting ready for December 21st, the day most of the world will become mindless zombies and kill all of the survivors.  I plan on surviving through this and I want to help you too. Here are a few necessities for one to have during a Zombie Apocalypse:

Shotgun-How else are you supposed to fend off zombies?  BLOW THEIR HEADS OFF!!!!!!!!  It's a good thing I have a lot of practice from Halloween when those ridiculous tricker treateres stop by...

Cat Food-I do not want to live through the apocalypse by myself!!!  So I plan on putting cat food out to catch the stray cats and keep them as my personal pets.  Then I'll train them to attack zombies.  I will raise an army this way and save the human race.  Look out zombies, this fat old lady will kill you all with an army of tiny little fluff balls.

Cigarettes-Yes, I know people are dying all around me but I do need to relax sometimes.  I feel like I would need to unwind a bit after a long hard day of training kittens and killing zombies.

I hope these tips help you all to survive the upcoming Apocalypse!!!  I need to go now.  I have Karate classes to further help me kick some zombie butt.

Love,
Mamma Dee

Thursdays with Rachel: I Dreamed a Dream

Alright, so here we go. Thursday again. Just close enough to Friday that all of us can taste it, our second full week of school in a row (which is in my opinion, insanity, especially since Christmas is less than three weeks away…), but just far enough away that we can’t quite grab it and celebrate. And maybe it’s the long week syndrome, or perhaps it’s just my overactive imagination acting up again, but over the last few days in particular, I’ve been having some intensely vivid dreams.

It all started with a wedding dream. They’re something I’m accustomed to, since I’ve had them involving all kinds of people and all sorts of scenarios (last year, I had a reoccurring dream where my best friend was wed to her fiancé, and my pot-smoking, high-out-of-his-mind, hardcore bass-playing crush at the time made multiple appearances where he showed up to the event completely nude. Talk about awkward when you see him in the hallways, passing by…), but not usually so frequent.

And the strange thing about this set of wedding dreams was that they were essentially the same, except for a few select details. It was always one of my other friends (a fellow author of the blog J) saying, “I do” to her current boyfriend. But select things were different. The first dream, the one I remember the best, had a kid I don’t even really know that well in it, which is weird for me. You don’t usually appear in my dreams unless, well, I’ve had interaction with you of some kind.

But nevertheless, this guy (possibly the only person I’ve been informed of who is more pathetically single than myself… and mind you, that’s saying a great deal) took a staring role in my sleepy thoughts. Not out of character, he was attempting to hit on everyone’s grandmother at the celebration, after drinking a bit too much alcohol. Needless to say, this was a bit of a laugh for those who know him, since I guess that it doesn’t stray too far from what could have been the truth.

So on went the wedding dreams, where as always I was the bridesmaid and never the bride. And I didn’t think much of the vivid reoccurrences, until they just stopped, and then I figured I was just out of the dream cycle for a while. Then came last night, when I was watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with my mother. She astutely pointed out that Hermey, the little elf who wants nothing more than to be a dentist, resembles a certain fella in my class. After a good deal of laughing, I agreed and didn’t think much more of the statement.

Then later that night, while fast asleep, my mind wandered off to have a dream that started out in my school gymnasium. Me and another student were given boxes to bring down to the basement in the building. Now, this is only weird in the fact that my school doesn’t have a basement that students regularly access… When I went down there with the other student, I was surprised as to what I saw.

There, in the fictitious basement of my high school, were majority of the males from my junior class, all dressed as Santa’s little helpers, and working on benches to make toys. And leading all of them on, standing at the front, was none other than the guy whom earlier in the evening I had imagined as a brunette version of Hermey. Even in the dream the irony wasn’t lost of me.

That’s how my week has been. Insane dreams, a great lack of sleep, and the slightest bit of a cold. Nothing unusual or different. But the next time you have a nutty nighttime experience humming about in your head, just remember: at least I’m not as crazy as Rachel, to make an entire class of 16 year-old guys dress and look like elves working on toys.

Here’s to a terrific weekend! We’re almost there!

Infinite xoxo,

R

Mamma's Monday: Rudy

Hello my Little Dee's,

Since last we spoke, I broke my foot restocking the shelves at Wal-Mart.  I slipped on the damn shiny floor AGAIN!!  I guess it's time to retire those bunny slippers...

So today while I was sitting in the cafeteria eating my apple sauce, I caught a glimpse of an old flame of mine; Rudy Bowers.  Rudy and I met way back in '39 at a Las Vegas casino.  He was quite the lady's man.  Next thing I remember we were in his room...playing Go Fish.  Let me get back to the cafeteria.  So I'm sitting there and I suddenly see him majestically grace the floor with his tennis ball tipped walker    , and I lose my breath for a moment.  What a man, in his suspenders, shorts, and lose fitting dentures.  I felt the sweat drip down my brow and cascade over my wrinkles as I silently sat staring at him.  I had to talk to him.

After the third try, I eventually got out of my seat and wobbled over to the line.  I came up behind him and whispered in his ear; "Hello my sexy beast!".  But I forgot he lost his hearing aids, so I got the stupid reply of; "No, but I'd like some mashed potatoes."  So I tried again and said; "HELLO MY SEXY BEAST!!!!!"  Not only was I greeted with; "Calm down, I'll play shuffle board later", but I also received some very weird glances.  Uggghh, I just made an ass of myself yelling to a man who thinks he's playing shuffle board.  Who looks crazy?  I do.

I guess there is a reason Rudy and I aren't together, but who cares.  I will do whatever I have to to be with him.  Hell, I've lived 102 glorious years on a diet of 8 packs of cigarettes a day.. I might as well be immortal!!!

Love,
Mamma Dee    

Mamma's Monday(belated): Reality TV

To all my Little Dee's,

It has been a very interesting few days.  Since last I posted last, I have broken my foot while restocking the shelves at Wal-Mart, so that means I have to stay home for A WEEK!!!!  Since I already have nothing to do, I started watching lots of TV.  This past week I have found some "jewels" of a TV show.  My new favorites are Project Runway and Toddlers and Tiaras.

This week on Project Runway, the designers had to create an avant garde outfit that is androgynous.  That means that they need to make something new that can be worn by both a man and a woman.  The designers ran around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to finish their outfit.  I don't understand why it's so hard!  Hhhhmmm, let me make an outfit that can be worn by both a guy and some girl.  Here, take this old man's bathrobe and wear it like a Snuggie.  BOOM, an outfit that can be worn by both men and women!  I would so win that TV show.

Toddlers and Tiaras is just a national treasure.  Where else can you watch crazy Southern women use their daughters like puppets to compete in beauty competitions?  No where!!  I love watching those little kids that no one can understand, walk across the stage in their little beaded dresses and spray tans that are so orange they look like Oompa Loompas.  I get really into it too!  When one of the kids starts acting like a little brat, I start screaming at the TV.  All the other residents here at the Sunshine Meadows Senior Centre complain.  They say they can hear me cursing at reality TV shows!  I guess I'm addicted now....

Well, I need to get going now.  The other seniors are getting ready to start heading down for dinner.  I don't want them to get a head start or else all the apple sauce will be gone!!!

Love,
Mamma Dee

Thursdays with Rachel: Busy Little Bees

Goodness, finally, a Thursday! Yes, I missed a week while away overseas, however, I am back, and here to speak my piece. And today, it's the issue that I know a good chunk of us deal with: how busy we are. I know it definitely affects me. Clearly, since I've been rather terrible with keeping to my promise of updating every Thursday due to a million other things that seem to rear their ugly face (AP Biology exams, trips all over the place for various things, unplanned illnesses...) But I'm not just addressing how teenagers have schedule juggling issues, because face it, that would be boring.

I want to go on about how I'm kind of getting tired of hearing about how busy you are all. While I do sympathize to the occasional need to vent (and am guilty of even abusing the privilege from time to time), I think we all need to calm down and stop ragging on each other. It isn't a competition to see who can rack up the least hours of sleep and the greatest amount of crankiness. There is no benefit in going on about how you can't get your assignment done because of your extracurricular activities. And above all, most of these choices are yours.

The Honors classes. The music lessons. The sports practices. All of these things are decisions that you made to partake in, because you know that you like doing them, or know that they're for the best in the end. We all need to understand that our issue of time management for things like this is very different from someone who has a serious issue with not having enough time because they have to do something like work two jobs to support a family. That's a serious time issue. Now, staying up until midnight at school for musical rehearsal (cough cough, pointed comment...), or working your tail off at basketball practice? That's a choice, and no matter the consequence, it was one you made.

Most teenagers in America especially are working the juggling act between top classes, family life, clubs, volunteer work, and go yeah, time for a social life. It's basically the most ridiculous calendar one can look at. But the only thing that us youth can be comforted in is knowing that we aren't alone in this madness. And along with this we should know that most people don't want to hear about our problems, when they've got their own pestering them of similar nature. I'm not talking about a quick groan to a buddy, and then moving right on to your next task. I'm addressing shoving these problems at people, as if they're suddenly supposed to grant you a pardon and throw you a pity party. Sorry, not going to happen...

And I'll apologize for my own grief. For those of you who know me, I've got sort of spastic attendance record mixed with an admiration for traveling whenever possible. This year alone I've wracked up six absences for traveling to concerts, weddings, and one foreign country. But I take total responsibility for any stress or agony it causes me. When I miss work, I bitch about it to myself for a bit, and then I try to just move on. If you want to do the things you enjoy, then you have to be willing to handle the consequences that come along with the fun. That's the way all things in life work. A little give, and a little take.

Really, I understand that you've got problems. But everyone has them, so you're not alone. Please, stop making your pretend ones sound so much greater than the rest of ours. Thank you in advance...

Happy Thursday :) Infinite xoxo,
R

Long Weekend

Oops

Mamma's Monday: Wal-Mart

Hello all my Little Dee's, I have decided to take some time out of every Monday evening and tell you all of Mamma's adventures from the past week.  Thus giving these Monday's the title of Mamma's Monday!

So today I started my first day at that hell hole known to everyone as Wal-Mart.  Lets just say it was interesting.  I hobbled in at 4:30 AM for my first shift.  Since I'm new, those idiots decided to give me a shift at the butt crack of dawn!!  So as I entered those sliding doors, I took the first step into my new life...wearing worn out bunny slippers.  I guess those slippers weren't as good on wet floors as I thought, cause suddenly I realized I was on the ground in the frozen food aisle.  Some man who looked liked Honey Boo Boo's mom helped me up off my butt.

Next they showed me my register, lucky number 13.  As the manager started to show me how to use it, I suddenly noticed that I had no idea what he was saying.  So I asked him to repeat that again. After a half hour of wasted time, I found out he didn't speak English!!!  WAL-MART IS HIRING IDIOTS WHO CAN'T EVEN TALK TO THE CUSTOMERS!!!!  I was so angry that I pulled a cigarette out of my purse and started to light it.  While smoking it in the store, Dakshi, the Indian manager, started to jump around screaming something in Indian.  I jumped to the ground thinking that a suicide bomber was about to blow our brains out.  Then Dakshi pulled something out of his pocket that looked like a bomb!!!  What happened next went by so quickly, that I couldn't make any decisions and ended up acting out of pure instinct.

I jumped at Dakshi and knocked him to the floor, biting his hand.  After a few minutes of struggling, he finally dropped it.  Only it wasn't a bomb, but a phone and he wasn't screaming in horror, he was just trying to tell me to put out my cigarette...

Lets just say that my first day was spent in the Emergency Room with my manager who can't speak english.  Don't you just love Wal-Mart?


Love,
Mamma Dee